fatherlesskind

[A shudder. He's seen enough abominations to last a lifetime, he really doesn't need to be reminded what they look like.

Alistair sits back as Anders gets to his feet and begins to pace, watching him worriedly. He can understand the fear of being possessed even if it's not really a concern for non-mages. But Anders isn't an apprentice - he's undergone his Harrowing and already faced a demon successfully. True, hearing that his future could involve becoming an abomination regardless of this fact must be frightening yet this doesn't seem like the response of someone worrying what might lead to him succumbing. He can't help but feel like there's something he's missing here.

A feeling that is borne out when Anders abruptly stops his pacing and admits to there being something more to the story than what he's said so far.]

What something? [Still seated he looks up at Anders cautiously, not liking the sound of that. What could make the idea of him becoming an abomination seem plausible? Nothing good, that's for sure.]

_{[Now that he's said this much, he can hardly put a cork in the abomination talk now. In a way, he feels like he needs to fill in the blanks. Explain Justice's plight. Tell his own side of the story. If Alistair's going to hear tales of Anders doing shady things in Kirkwall from the others, he might as well know all of it.

Anders' infernally optimistic side that never quite gives up after being slapped down wants to believe his side is worth more than the word of some templar and an elf that seems like he chew nails for breakfast, but the realistic side of him worries how Alistair will react. It'd be a shame to lose Alistair's company now.]}

Promise to keep an open mind?

_{[Turning his head, Anders gives a small, humored smile. Tentative.]}

This is going to sound like I was burying the lead, but I swear I didn't know it would come up. _{[Or he'd hoped it wouldn't.]} The thing is, I have this friend... Justice. He's a spirit. Not the cuddliest spirit around, but not a demon, either--he's one of the good ones.

_{[Anders is adamant on that--Justice has proved his virtues on more than one occasion.]}

He wound up being pulled out of the Fade during a Warden investigation and trapped inside the body of a deceased Warden we'd been looking for. Ever since then, he's been travelling with us for lack of anything better to do.

[Now that's a reassuring start. How many good explanations start with a request like that? Still, he has to give Anders a chance to share his story.]

Sure. Why not.

[He can do open-minded. There ought to be plenty of empty space in there to be open with. Although Alistair can't pretend he's not a little concerned about the direction this conversation might be taking.

A concern that Anders does nothing to allay.

Anders has a friend. That is a spirit. Possessing a corpse. Working with the Wardens. A being that came through to the real world from the Fade and possessed a corpse. But it's a good spirit. Apparently.

Now he's the one who can't stay still. Shoving himself to his feet Alistair paces across the room. Stops. Scrubs his face. Buries his hands in his hair. Exhales slowly and turns back to face Anders.]

A spirit. Not a demon. [If it weren't for Wynne he'd reject the whole idea out of hand. The Chantry taught that there were good spirits in the Fade but as far as templar training went, every spirit was dangerous and not to be trusted. And he hasn't seen much to contradict that view. There were always plenty of demons to be found but had he ever seen a single, benign spirit? Besides the one that Wynne said had saved her. Not by possessing her corpse. Thankfully.]

And you think this... spirit. Is the one to possess you and turn you into an abomination? [That sounds a lot like just a smart demon to him. Waiting till someone trusts it and then possessing them is a demony thing to do.] But you still think it's a good spirit.

Believe me, I know how it sounds. Mage meets spirit, spirit hops a ride, bad things all around.

_{[Anders spreads his hands in a knowing gesture. That's how the story goes, and the story he'd believed in, too, but the uncertainty he'd displayed recounting Cullen's and Fenris' accusations gives away to a concrete surety when it comes to the spirit. Justice's intentions, he trusts without question, more than he trust his own convictions some days.

He can appreciate that it must be difficult for someone who hasn't been on the receiving end of Justice's finger-wagging to understand, but Justice is no demon. No more than he and Alistair are.]}

But Justice is different. Let me explain. The only reason he's here is because he was doing what it says on the tin and trying to help free lost souls in the Fade, and got in between an actual demon and blood magic. Most curious spirits and demons are under the impression we have something they want and that's why they want a way through--he's told me we rarely see his kind because they aren't interested in those sorts of things. Honestly, I think it was more frightening for him to be on the physical plane than it was for us. He's the spirit of justice! Imagine trying to be that in our world. It's difficult for him, to say the least.

_{[The subtle affection he has for the spirit is evident in the way he sits again, calm enough to continue with an eye roll that hints at a long history of exasperating conversations.]}

He's a preachy gasbag, he could drive you crazy with his need to fix everything without ever laying a hand on you. But he fought the darkspawn. He's saved my life. He's saved the Warden Commander. Eventually his body was going to give out, and we weren't sure what would happen to him afterward. Can spirits die if they're trapped like him? I don't think even he's sure.

_{[His gaze grows far away, fixing on the middle distance.]}

We talked about... I don't know, really. Finding someplace for him that won't be compost soon. He pestered me constantly about helping mages down on their luck like me, championing the downtrodden and all that. I used to think he was mad for it. But spend enough time around him, you almost start to think it's possible to bring a little fairness to the world. It was an idea we threw around, anyway--if I shared my body, he'd help me in return. I don't know if it matters anymore, but he's my friend, it seemed like making the best of a bad situation at the time.

But that's where what they're saying stops adding up--Justice would sooner eat his boot than hurt innocent people. I'll be the first to admit my moral compass doesn't point as straight as his, but I wouldn't, either. It doesn't make sense.

Edited 2016-03-21 21:47 (UTC)

[He has to laugh despite himself when Anders points out the difficulties a being dedicated to justice faces in the real world. It's a difficult enough thing for people to handle and they all belong in the real world. Otherwise Alistair remains mostly silent during Anders' explanation, listening to what the other man has to say and trying to keep an open mind as promised. It's not easy. Years of being lectured on the dangers of demons and seeing those dangers first-hand make it hard to see spirits as good.

More than what Anders says, the way he says it goes a long way to convincing Alistair to at least consider that this Justice might really be a good spirit. He talks about the spirit like it's an actual person, someone who can be annoying but only drives people crazy in a very human way. That doesn't try and tempt them into giving it power over it but rather lectures them like a Chantry mother.

It also helps that he says Justice has been working with the Wardens, not just Anders himself. If other members of the order, including the Warden-Commander of Ferelden, are willing to trust this spirit it must be alright, mustn't it?

Still, there's more than a little to worry about even if this Justice really does embody the very concept of its name. Moving back to his former spot Alistair slouches against the wall, gaze still fixed on Anders.]

You were talking about letting... Justice. Possess you. And then you got here and people from the future said you're going to become an abomination and do something neither one of you would ever consider....

[He can at least agree with Anders that it doesn't add up. If this spirit is as good as Anders makes it sound then why would he become the kind of murdering monster he's been accused of being because of it? And yet, can anything good come of a mage being possessed?

Again he finds himself thinking of Wynne. She doesn't talk about what happened to her a lot and he really only saw her at a distance at Ostagar before it. It never seemed like the experience had changed who she is but her spirit hadn't been spending time with her out in the real world before then. Maybe there's some other difference that he doesn't know about, he's nowhere near being an expert on the subject.]

Do you think something could have gone wrong? [Well obviously but was the wrong thing Anders letting himself get possessed or something else?] Could... I don't know, a demon have jumped in while you were letting yourself get possessed?

[Alright, maybe he's a little hung up on that point. How could any mage, least of all a Circle mage from Ferelden, think possession by even the cuddliest of spirits was a good idea?]

That about sums it up, yes.

_{[Anders' tone trails off into disconsolate waters. It sounds worse when Alistair says it in his skeptical, kingly voice like that.

Admittedly, perhaps they'd rushed into the idea more quickly than he would've been comfortable with had circumstances been different--if Kristoff's body hadn't literally been falling to pieces, if the templars hadn't been so damned persistent in their grudge against him. Rolan was forcing his hand; he'd wanted to believe he and Justice could help each other so that if Rolan made a move, he'd be ready for it. That's a part of the story he leaves out, feeling it best not to stir Alistair's templar sympathies anymore than he already has.

He doesn't have long to dwell before Alistair postulates a third party could be involved, causing Anders to look up from his hands with a jokingly affronted look.]}

Hey, what do you take me for? I don't let just anyone get their hands on this. _{[He points his thumb at himself.]} I'm not a halfway house.

_{[And there's only so much space inside him--one squatter is quite enough.]}

We're taught most possessions end poorly because a demon traps a mage's spirit in the Fade and uses their body as a conduit, but if anything, I'd be trapping Justice, not the other way around. Besides, I can't even say for sure it's because of Justice. Anything could have happened in that time. How am I supposed to guess how another me becomes a super villain years from now? Maybe I never passed my Harrowing and somehow escaped with a demon. Maybe I was in the tower when Uldred made his move...

_{[Chilling thoughts, both of them. He brings a hand up to rub the back of it across his eyes, digging knuckles in.]}

I don't know how someone can be me but not be me. I thought my Mirror was the disturbing double I was supposed to worry about.

Edited 2016-03-24 00:49 (UTC)

[Anders, have you ever thought about just not being an abomination?]

You only share with spirits you really like?

[Somehow that doesn't sound much better.

It might be a little easier to accept if he knew some of the background - if he weren't picturing Justice as a walking corpse just like many of the demons he's seen that came through into the real world. If he didn't assume the Wardens would have been as much an escape from the Templar Order for Anders as they had been for him. And if the idea of a mage getting possessed still didn't seem like a terrible idea no matter the circumstances.]

Maybe.

[It would certainly be preferable for the Anders these others speak of to be someone else. Evil Anders instead of the good Anders in front of him. But the fact that the other man even mentioned his spirit friend and getting possessed by said spirit makes him wonder. If he really thought that there was absolutely no way getting possessed by Justice could lead to him hurting innocent people then why even mention it? The whole doubles and future people mess just makes it all the more difficult.]

I don't think it makes sense to any of us. Maybe it really is all just some bizarre dream cooked up by a demon to keep us all so confused we can't escape. And it saw you'd been talking about... that and this is just to make you doubt yourself.

[It makes as much sense as anything else. Huffing in frustration Alistair scrubs a hand through his hair.] But if you really believe that this spirit is trustworthy- [Then getting possessed by it is still a terrible idea.] ...We don't know for sure that they were talking about you-you.... But if you do decide to let something move in I'd appreciate it if you came and spoke to me - or one of the other Wardens, if we get back to Ferelden - first. Just to be safe.

Edited 2016-03-25 00:00 (UTC)

I help my friends if I can.

_{[Which is more important and goes beyond terms like "mage" and "spirit," "possessed" and "abomination" in his mind.

More and more, Anders is starting to regret bringing the charges against him to attention. Confession had lost its appeal when he'd stopped being a practicing Andrastian--acting guilty for something outside of his control had merely made him believe in his guilt, and everyone else around him believe in it, too. He taps the tips of his index fingers together, impatient with himself more than anything else. Stupid.]}

So a demon wants me to think I'm a cliche? What happened to a little imagination?

_{[He smiles, and it's close to his usual blithe humor.]}

If I start getting the urge to commit mayhem, you'll be the first to know. Sorry for springing this on you out of the blue--you have enough future problems as it is, and there's not much to be done about this one at the moment. I suppose I'll just have to get used to being stared at funny. It's just like home. But you won't... say anything about Justice, will you? I'd rather not have everyone worrying corpse-possessing spirits are about to descend and steal their loved ones away.

_{[Justice is the one in all of this who's not here to defend himself.]}

[A sentiment he can't criticise but... possession. Spirit. Abomination. There's helping people and then there's that.]

I don't think demons are big on creativity. They have that in common with the Chantry.

[So not the point. But he's more than happy to see Anders trying to lighten the mood. Without knowing more about this spirit or Anders' future there's not much else he can offer on the subject.]

You better tell me first. I might want to help out. With the mayhem. [If it's not the getting possessed kind of mayhem. That should go without saying.] But I'm glad you told me. [At least it means someone knows about it all. Someone who doesn't know abomination-Anders instead of real-Anders.]

And I promise I won't tell anyone else about Justice. Unless he shows up and someone thinks he's a demon they need to slay. [Then he's pretty sure Anders wouldn't mind if he said something even if it was just 'don't kill it yet, it might be a nice spirit'.] ...Although you know, if people are looking at you funny it might not have anything to do with your evil twin. They might just think you're weird. [Alistair pauses and grins hopefully up at the other Warden.] I learned that lesson the hard way.

_{[Put that way, maybe this isn't a demon's web of illusions, after all, but some special corner of the afterlife where people who make fun of the Chantry go when they die. That would make a lot of sense. Some days Wonderland feels like it's sole purpose is to make Anders despise and doubt himself--that reeks of the Chantry.]}

You can rest easy, I'm not about to go on any rampages today. And probably not tomorrow, either. But... thanks. For listening.

_{[He means it, even if he still has a knot in his gut.]}

And if that happens, I pity the first person who compares him to a demon. You can thank me later for warning you ahead of time--Justice doesn't take that kind of talk laying down. Bit of a sensitive subject, that.

_{[The attempt to take his mind off of things merits an amused snort, at the very least. He can see what Alistair's doing and he's grateful someone would make the attempt at all.]}

It could have a little something to do with who you are, too. I don't think anyone's going to mistake me for a king anytime soon.

Edited 2016-04-01 04:54 (UTC)

[Well if it is that then they're both in the right place. But if the Maker intended to punish people for mocking the Chantry he shouldn't have given them a sense of humour in the first place.]

Anytime.

[Even with the whole possession talk and the feeling that they're in exactly the same place that they started. That place being 'Wonderland is weird and confusing'.]

Just great. I'll keep that in mind.

[The spirit doesn't like being called a demon. He can sort of understand it. No one would like being accused of being a demon. But it does seem like it would make it harder to argue that it's not - he's not - one if Justice is going to attack people over it. Still, better to know just in case.... Except now if he sees a walking corpse he's going to have to try talking to it before hitting it. Anders better be ready to fix him up if he gets chewed on as a result.

Alistair's grin widens and he waves a hand dismissively at the idea there's anything kingly about him.]

It could happen. I bet you can pull off regal better than I can. [But then, a mabari that just rolled in something could pull of regal better than Alistair as far as he was concerned, so that wasn't saying much.]

I'd have seen what the Commander thought about all of this if he were here, but he's off hacking darkspawn to bits, and half of the others from Thedas seem to want to do the same with me.

_{[His smile is on the sheepish side. He feels obliged to offer some explanation for why he's inviting himself into Alistair's life like an unannounced guest. Part of it could be that it goes against his instincts to lean on people; it feels like another personal failure on top of letting this other stuff take over his thoughts.

Joking about mistaking identities is the perfect distraction from his self-deprecating spiral. With Alistair's stamp of approval, Anders seems to warm to the fantasy, clapping his hands together decisively.]}

I think I could learn to live with fancy shampoos! Who's to say there's not a world out there where mages born to royalty keep their status? But kingship sounds like too much work. I could settle for being an arl, maybe. My wife and my mistresses could live comfortably in my arling's castle.

_{[He turns his gaze on Alistair, a smirk making his expression look impish.]}

While we're on the topic, I've been meaning to ask... Is it true about Her Majesty? Is she as stunning as they say?

And here I thought we were at the point in our relationship where we tell each other all our deepest, darkest secrets and have sleepovers. Now you're telling me I'm just convenient? I'm wounded!

[Not really. He's not bothered in the least by Anders needing to talk things over but he can appreciate that, given the choice, this is the sort of thing most people would want to discuss with someone they've known longer than a couple of months. Someone who knew Anders' spirit and could better the judge the situation. Even if he hopes that this Warden-Commander would also be against possession by anything.

Although, could the Warden-Commander offer fantasies of power? Probably not. And Anders seems to like the idea of being in that position - King or Arl - more than he does. So that definitely counts for something.]

Mistresses? As in more than one? And a wife?

[...Just what is he planning to do while running this imaginary arling? And more importantly, why is he looking at Alistair like that? That is not a look he trusts one bit, even if the question that follows makes no sense.]

Oh sure. [He nods knowingly.] She's amazing. Better even. All... you know. Womanly.

...Who is Her Majesty?

_{[Alistair has a talent for lightening the mood. Anders wishes he'd had a chance to see more of that in his Thedas, where Alistair had left the Wardens and taken on the mantle of leadership. He'd follow a king who could make him laugh at his lowest point.]}

Nonsense, there's a special part of my heart with your name on it. You're in my top ten. Top twenty, at the very least.

_{[Even if the Alistair sitting across from him is still a Warden, Anders assumes he must have an idea about the queen. Who else would be ruling Ferelden if Cailan had died at Ostagar in Alistair's world just as he had in Anders'?]}

I'm talking about Queen Anora! Have you seen her in person? I would have thought with the business of the Blight you'd have had an audience with her or something.

Aw, now I feel all warm and fuzzy.

[He'll take twentieth most favourite person, sure. It's better than nothing.]

Oh. Anora. [He'd been worried that maybe there was another Her Majesty if he was king. That somehow Arl Eamon might have pushed him into a marriage. But of course Anora would still be hanging around. She had been doing a lot of the running of Ferelden even before Cailan died, she must have stayed on to help rebuild after the Blight. She was still Loghain's daughter but she would be useful while he was learning all the kinging business.]

I've seen her alright. [And wound up in a cell because of her. But the question hadn't been about her as a person. Frowning thoughtfully, Alistair shrugs after a moment.] She's not bad. So long as you don't mind your hands freezing if you try to touch her.

[Not that he has tried to touch Anora - she dislikes him enough just for existing, if he started pawing at her he'd likely lose his head, contender for the throne or not - but she looked frigid enough for it to be true.]

_{[Alistair says that, but if Anders took his temperature when talking about his future wife, his blood would probably freeze water solid. He doesn't seem to have made the connection that the only way Alistair could be king and Anora could be queen at the same time was if they'd tied the knot, which might be for the best.

There have been plenty of uncomfortable revelations already. Anders resolves to keep Anora as his blushing bride on the down low. Let Alistair believe the future is a blank canvas and the worst possibilities are all in his head.]}

Okay, so she's on the reserved side. But is she a looker?

_{[Anders clearly isn't basing attractiveness on personality. A woman can still be beautiful and as rabid coyote. Like Velanna, for example.]}

[He has to laugh at Anders insistence on the subject. If it's that important to him then Alistair can put aside his personal feelings and judge Anora based on looks alone.]

Yes, alright, she's good looking. Happy?

[Grinning he shakes his head at the ridiculousness of them talking about how attractive the queen - or former queen - is. He's pretty sure she'd be even more annoyed by him than usual if she ever heard this.]

If I ever get the chance I'll introduce you to her and you can see for yourself.

[Not that Alistair doing the introductions would help much. But maybe Anders would even manage to get Anora to smile. She'd be a lot prettier if she did. He wasn't going to hold his breath though.]

That's all I wanted to know! So the rumors were true, then. That's good to know. I would've been disappointed if it had turned out people were exaggerating.

_{[Obviously this is important, world-changing information that had needed confirmation one way or the other.

Anders' eyes widen like a little kid's when he offers to help get him bumping elbows with other Fereldan nobility.]}

Ooh, would you! But how does she feel about mages?

_{[A mage in front of the Queen of Ferelden who helps enforce the Chantry's decrees, hmm... That doesn't sound like a death sentence waiting to happen at all. Doubtful she's terribly fond of the Grey Wardens after they proved her father to be a dishonorable scumbag, either. She might enjoy watching the Chantry bend the Wardens' collective arm to bring an apostate to justice.]}

[Because the most important thing to know is that Ferelden's queen - former queen? - is attractive. Yes, of course.]

I didn't exactly ask her about it. She didn't seem to have a problem with Wynne. Or Morrigan. [Bizarrely in the latter's case.] But we did rescue her. [And wound up in a prison cell because of her, not that they'd gotten an apology for that.] She might not have said anything because of that. Or she might not care, you'll have to ask her yourself.

[What's the worst that can happen? If Alistair himself is king and the Wardens saved Ferelden she can't exactly demand they send one of their number back to the Circle. Or she can but he doesn't have to listen.]

Maybe you can win her over, show her how useful magic can be.

[And whatever court life is like it would have to be improved by having someone like Anders there. They might not be Orlesian but a lot of Ferelden nobles could be plenty stuffy and boring on their own. They could do with livening up.]

_{[He makes a sound of consideration. Maybe he will have to ask her someday, provided he gets a chance.]}

Hopefully not too soon. The last thing we need is more people washing up on Wonderland's shores--especially people who've met a future me that's gone off the reservation.

_{[But soon enough, Anders is smiling again.]}

Shall I put in a good word for you? I can be persuasive when I want to be. People like me... ah, when I'm not possessed, that is. I'm witty and I know when to throw in a compliment or two! Or three depending on how vain the woman is.

No arguments there. Any more of us and we'll have most of Ferelden here.

[And having more people around who think Anders is some dangerous lunatic and might want to act on that would not be good. Or people who might expect Alistair to act kingly. Both would be bad.]

I don't know if there are enough good words where I'm concerned. Especially if I take the throne from her. But I wouldn't say no to seeing you try.

[Since he wouldn't say Anora was at all vain. So seeing Anders trying to charm her would be entertaining to say the least. And if it worked, well it would still be worth it to see her flustered for once. So maybe her showing up wouldn't be such a terrible thing.]

_{[Now that's a thought. Just picture Wonderland's picturesque countryside filled with irate villagers and Chantry brothers and sisters wagging their fingers at passer-by. It'd be just like home.]}

It'd be like the Blackmarsh all over again. Believe me, once of that is enough.

_{[But then Alistair has to go and say that. He thinks Anora would have a bone to pick with him because he'd usurp her? Anders laughs awkwardly.

Usurp the throne, share the throne... Same thing, really. Right? Yes. Right.]}

Yeah... yeah, you never know. Anything's possible.

[And dogs. Don't forget the dogs. And the mud.]

Uh. I'll take your word on that.

[He's heard stories about the place, the kind of creepy tales like those about the Korcari Wilds but Anders clearly has some experience there. A story for next time they get together for drinks.

Right now he's a little puzzled by the way Anders reacts to his comment about Anora. Frowning he shoots the other man a questioning look and asks-]

Did I say something wrong? ...Don't tell me we become friends or something?

[It wouldn't be the weirdest thing to happen to him, as unlikely as it seemed.]

_{[Anders nods in a yes, do fashion. He's brimming with helpful advice on places to avoid. Half his life has been dedicated to it--it's practically a personal hobby.

Before he can say something that might only make Alistair's stay in Wonderland more difficult, Anders makes the unspoken decision not to bait the future king with too much information. Just like whatever brought Anders and Justice to do what they do in Fenris' future, Alistair becoming who he is in Anders' memory--the king and all that it entails--has to be a choice. It can't be forced. It's unfair to expect otherwise.

He lets out a small laugh.]}

Would that be any stranger than the Grey Wardens and a spirit of Justice making nice?

When you put it like that...

[No, him becoming friendly with Loghain's daughter isn't that strange after all.]

It's better than the alternative. [Where she hates him and makes his life and potential future kingship difficult.] I can make an effort to win her over myself.

[You know, if he gets back to Ferelden and actually remembers this conversation.]

But I still expect a good word from you too. I need all the help I can get.

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