fatherlesskind

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So this is Alistair speaking, you know, in case you somehow don't recognise the sound of my voice even though you're trying to talk to me. I'm not here or you'd be talking to me and not hearing this. You can leave me a message or share any juicy gossip or embarrassing secrets on this thing and I'll answer you or tell everyone I know when I find it. Maybe. Or maybe I won't because I don't want to talk to you and I'm really sitting here listening to you and laughing and just pretending not to be here, you'll never know! You should definitely share those embarrassing secrets though. I wouldn't tell everyone - just a few people and- *BEEP*

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[ it gets a laugh out of barry, either way. ]

i can't.

it's how i learn — by doing. i'm pretty good at braking back home, but there's SO MUCH in wonderland that surprisingly pops up that i have to stop.

and i can't not run fast … if i stop then that means someone could get hurt. it's how i get from point a to point b to help someone out. the braking thing kind of works itself out when i'm not thinking too hard about it tbh.

like … a spell that just figures itself out when you're not poking at it so much.

I can understand that. You can't learn something by not doing it. I'm just glad I got my lessons with blunted swords. Still got plenty of bruises though.

[But better than being accidentally stabbed - or tripping at high speed and breaking his neck.]

So you just run around helping people like some kind of super-fast guard and hoping you don't fall down some stairs on the way?

yep!

i mean, if i fall down the stairs, i'll pick myself up, and you won't see me fall down the stairs because i'm just that fast.

— not to brag.

but i guess i'm like a super fast guard who can run really quick. minus the swordfighting ability. i'm actually kind of clumsy. slippery fingers, you know?

You know that just makes me want to trip you and see for myself?

[No stairs though. He's looking for a laugh, not to kill someone.]

And if I see you with something sharp I'll start running. Thanks for the warning. Anything else I need to know to avoid getting thrown in a pool myself?

don't punch people. play cards, a game of croquet, eat a cake, but don't make war, you know? life's short, enjoy wonderland, and maybe get some free food along the way, too.

also, name the time and place, and you can trip me.

if you can catch me. ;)

I always lose at cards and I don't know how to play that. But cake and free food I can do!

And you're so on! Pick a morning. Out near the woods. We'll see who can catch who.

[Is he going to regret this? Possibly. Will that stop him? Of course not!]

wait wait wait.

should this be pre-arranged or a random, spontaneous thing? how do i know you're not some super awesome player of dodgeball? but dodgeFLASH.

i need to do my research. get some character references on you first.

If I tell you I'm planning to ambush you it's not a very good ambush, is it?

[Wait, did he just give the game away? Oh well. 'Expect an ambush' only helps if he knows where and when it might happen. It's not like Flash could check all of Wonderland fast enough to catch him out or something.]

You don't need to do anything like that. I'm great. Completely trustworthy. If you ask anyone they'll say 'oh Alistair? Everyone loves Alistair. Who couldn't? He's just so adorable! And witty. Charming and handsome too.' So you know you can trust me already, see?

do you have all that on a business card jw?

but now i'm starting to wonder if this is a trick. are you telling me you're planning to ambush me but you won't ambush me at all? that sounds like something someone adorable, witty, handsome, and charming would say.

[ damn, alistair, your ambush game is strong, bro. ]

Yes?

[Give him a minute. He has to work that out in his head. And also try to figure out what a business card is.]

Yes. Yes, that's exactly what I meant. Maybe. Or maybe I'm saying I will ambush you so you think I won't so I actually will. Clever, right?

[Actually now he's just confused himself even more. This is why no one gets him to handle the sneaky, tricking people with words stuff. He's better at just talking at them till they give in. Or try to hit him.]

[ don't worry, barry's confused as well, and he's the one who goes around messing up timelines. but what he gleans from this is simple: alistair has a great sense of humour, and he isn't a danger to captain hook, the ultimate cosplayer. ]

damn. you're really good at this, alistair.

i'll be sure to let everyone know not to mess with you. i'll be sure to sleep with one eye open tonight!

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